Fairly often I re-realize something. I mean that I stop to give deeper thought to something I already knew.
I have been in a war with myself over being unemployed. I never thought I would still be unemployed this long after graduating with my bachelor’s degree. God has shown more times than I can count that He is trustworthy and will provide. Jesus said not to worry, that the Father knows what we need, to worry first about His kingdom. I know these things, but it has still been difficult to not become bitter or a little angry. Thoughts have continually crept into my head along the lines of, “what else do you want me to do? I really felt like I was obeying by going back to school and have tried to always do your will in preparation for a career?” Yet here I sit, in some ways more confused than ever.
If you’ve never been unemployed, it sucks after a couple weeks. It was nice to catch up on the things I’d been wanting to do. It’s still nice to write when I want, play guitar when I want, stay up late and sleep in. BUT . . . soon you begin to feel bad, guilty, worthless, unsuccessful. This is where I am. I feel horrible sometimes. I have applied everywhere I can think of where my degree would count for something. I feel like I’ve knocked on every possible door to little avail. I KNOW there’s a plan, and I KNOW I just need to push forward and trust.
I KNEW that God owns everything. It’s all His. I KNEW that I am a joint heir with Christ. In a sense, everything belongs (or will belong) to me as it’s my Father’s and I will have free use.
I actually stopped to think about what that means today. The student loans are what bother me most. (Debt kills me after a really bad decision or two that cost me big time.) BUT, what am I worried about. Jesus is Lord. This all belongs to Him. He can give me as much money as He wants. The question is how will I use it as a tool? It is nothing for Him to get me in the job He wants me in. He knows I borrowed the money to go to school with the aim of serving Him. He’s got this. He’s got me. He’s got you.