Deal breakers

Disclaimer: this post is in no way meant to reflect on the relationships of any friends, Christians, or anyone else in particular. This post is simply in regard to what I have felt over the years when listening, observing, or just thinking.

I’m at a wedding this weekend, or more accurately in one. It’s my first. I’m put up in a nice beach house and enjoying some time with my best friend and basically brother before I probably get to see little of him anymore. Seeing how I’m in the middle of wedding atmosphere it’s made me think a lot about my future relationships.

There are, for me, several deal breakers I’ve come up with. I’m not talking about divorce, but things which would very possibly abruptly end a serious long term relationship or even engagement. I’m not sure why I feel the need to write this, but just maybe it will do someone some good.

Deal breakers: (in no particular order, and to be potentially altered or added to in the future)

**think of each as not a one time occurrence, but a pattern I suddenly pick up on**

–demand: She demands a lot. This could look differently, but boils down to a has to be her way type thing. She demands a certain amount of time each week, an elaborate expensive wedding, or has a long list of requirements for a mate. The last one has often been a deal breaker for me before even getting to know a woman. Even if I measure up now, it’s easy to see that I eventually won’t.

–snap: she snaps at or cuts me off in public. I probably won’t hang around if it continues in private, but there’s basically 0% chance in public. Thats just no way to treat someone you love. I do my best to not demean someone, especially in front of others, and won’t tolerate receiving it.

–ridicule: she ridicules me to her friends or even alone. I dated a girl who was extremely close to her mom, I was not like that much. She called that “stupid”, and I wanted to break it off. Simple.

–priority: I’m not a priority. I don’t want to take God’s place as number one, but I expect to be important to one who would be willing to say yes. If a career or friends or whatever else seems to be worth losing me for, you can bet it better be.

–fight/yell: I refuse to yell/fight/argue. Arguments happen. Period. If that can’t happen without fury I’m out. I rarely raise my voice simply because I don’t like to. That’s not who I want to be and I don’t feel it embodies Jesus at all. I won’t listen to it either.

–moody: she’s hot then she’s cold… Everyone has moods. I’m realistic. But I mean that she’s having a bad day and I am doing my best to be there for her or help and I get a crabby remark, cold glare, or just cold shoulder in return. I can’t see me marrying someone who can’t see past herself to others who have done nothing to deserve an attitude. A fruit of the spirit is kindness which is pretty much being considerate. REGARDLESS of my circumstances I try to treat others the way I would want and expect the same. Even when I’m in a terrible mood I work hard to not take it out on the people around me. I’m not likely to hang around if it’s not returned.

What are your deal breakers?

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4 thoughts on “Deal breakers

  1. Thanks for sharing! As I’ve grown in Christ, things ive thought were deal breakers- well God told me to forgive. But I’m already married. All the ones you named- well they should be red flags before the knot is tied! Great post! Thanks!

    • No. Thank you for reading! I fully suspect that this list, written by a somewhat perpetual bachelor and single for a couple years now, will suffer over the next few years. It’s easy to have black and white opinions now, but things will turn gray at some point. It’s fun for the time being though!

  2. Deal Breakers for me are:

    Disrespectful — which sounds to me to be really similar to what you described as being ridiculing, but there are many layers to it.

    Clingy — I don’t need tons of space, but I need a guy to not NEED to be with me every waking second, and he needs to be able to deal when I need some time to myself or out with my girlfriends — just like I need to be able to deal and be understanding when he does.

    Fighting — I share in your desire to have someone who can control their temper when conflict arises. I grew up in a house where conflict was dealt with by screaming at one another, and if I have anything to say about that, my house will not be like that.

    Poor money management — if we’re going to be run into the ground because he mismanages our money, I won’t last long.

    And also, like yours, I would like to be a priority — a balance between being a priority and being clung to, and for sure — God does not ever ever EVER come before me, but if I’m fighting for his attention on a regular basis, I will just stop fighting and walk away.

    Great post — and like the comment above said, I agree, I think that forgiveness plays a large part in all aspects, and that’s why I think that’s great that you stipulated that these would be a pattern of ongoing habits. They would certainly be red flags for me to turn on my heel and book it 🙂

    • Yep, disrespectful is a word that’s so hard to define. Something you see as funny could push me over the edge 😉

      As for clingy, being needed is ok; it’s a pretty good feeling. It can get old though, kind of obligatory. Someone needing you all the time feels clingy, I suspect. However, being wanted is an altogether different feeling, possibly the best there is. What if a guy could deal just fine with you doing something else but made it clear that even though he is enjoying the night with the guys he still kinda wishes it was with you? Just curious if it makes a diff to women.

      I get the money thing. I’m still working on making the transition from boy who spends everything on self to a man who can provide, so I’m not yet where I could make it a deal breaker. I do think that was linked to my demanding breaker, in a roundabout way. For years now I’ve had this image in my head (more like a nightmare) of realizing that a fiance would choose an overly extravagant wedding over things actually needed. In other words, I too see how big a problem it is for a significant other to waste money and threaten to bankrupt a couple.

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