It has been a rough three months, to put it lightly. I have struggled to post here every once in a while; I haven’t run in that same time span; friendships have suffered. Topping it all off is the F word, no not that one, the other one. Fail.
I have failed. Horribly, miserably. It’s a new feeling and experience for me. I have virtually always enjoyed success in my ventures, thanks to God without doubt.
I accepted a middle school teaching job mid-year after a teacher left for a full time ministry job. I took it believing that God wanted me to and in spite of my fears developed during my student teaching semester. It was everything I was afraid it would be . . and more. The staff was possibly the best to work with out of all others. The kids weren’t any more difficult than any other group of 12 year olds. The parents didn’t make life hard. The content and grade were the same I had spent the entire previous school year teaching as a student. But I failed.
Yesterday was my last day, which is not something teachers do. They just don’t. Quitting during a semester is basically a career killer. In spite of that, last night was the best sleep I’ve had since December and the only peaceful sleep too. I finally reached a point where I knew that I could take it no longer. I can’t even accurately explain what was so bad, which is unfortunate because everyone I know wants to know what it was that pushed me to this ending. I spent every night, weekend, and even spring break dreading the next school day with all of my being.
I say I failed because I see that job as an opportunity straight from the Lord to share His grace and love with little ones He created. It wasn’t supposed to go like it did. I was supposed to step out in faith and experience success and carry out His plan. But it didn’t. Why? I’ve no idea. I assure you it wasn’t for lack of prayer or depending on Him. I felt as if I was abandoning my faith or being a child in total rebelliousness by quitting.
Right now all I know is: that’s not the place for me; He has been extremely graceful to me during this painful process; I haven’t given up on living for Jesus; my story isn’t over; I still have work to do.
The F Word is awful. I don’t enjoy this feeling at all. I have long sought to be a man of my word, and this time I wasn’t.
It is likely that if you have yet to share this feeling, you will. When we fail though, let’s not become bitter or angry. Let’s learn from it and determine to do better. One final thing I would like to add: I’m unhappy with how things turned out, but I want you to know that overall this isn’t meant to be a dark post. I’m happy, for the first time in a while! I can laugh and smile again. I actually enjoy time spent with friends again. I’m doing great.
P.S. Let’s not use the F word, yes that one, after we fail.