I didn’t mean for it to happen; it just . . kind of did. I don’t think any of us mean for it to happen though.
I can’t believe it has been 6 months since I wrote. Then again, yes I can. I haven’t really had much of anything to say for at least that long. I lost my voice, so to speak. I lost my way a bit; I lost my song.
You’re probably well aware that basically everything I write relates back to God or faith in some way. It’s not so much that I mean for it to always be that way; it’s just that when you take the time to really think about it and invest yourself . . everything actually does relate to Him.
The things and occurrences of this world are shadows of the spiritual one. That being said, I feel like my heavenly Father and I have been sort of like a regular son and father who aren’t speaking for a while. He never stopped loving me and I the same, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been difficult.
I think I have now experienced, at least in part, what Jesus was referring to when He spoke of the man who built his house on the rock instead of sand. My faith was torn down to the bare foundation a while back. Thank God there was a foundation to build back on though.
There was a time in which several things in life converged, in a negative way, and left me asking questions and feeling things I never thought I would. Deep in my heart burned a question I always refused to give a voice to, “so if this is how it’s going to be, would you remind me again why I have done all this for you?”
I hate that I ever felt that way, especially now that I’m on the other side. At the same time, I’m very grateful that now there are that many more people I can look in the eye and legitimately say, “I know how you feel.”
I hope with all my heart that you never experience this, but the past, I’m afraid, indicates there’s a good chance you will. At some point you will likely find yourself in the meantime. The meantime is when something, a physical ailment, dissolving relationship, etc., is the way it is and probably will never change.
You will feel cheated, like you have tried so hard and should have more. You will feel defeated, like it doesn’t matter what you do.
Here’s the thing. Bad things happen. Jesus explained to his disciples that a man was blind, not because he or his parents sinned, but so God would be glorified. That’s not so easy to accept for the blind man, unless He chooses to live for more than himself. It will be difficult, trust me I know, for your faith to survive being blind, losing a job, being abandoned by loved ones, or anything else, if you are basing your decisions on what you can get out of it.
What if we were able and willing to survive any storm of life because we were determined to see God glorified in it? What if we made a conscious decision to live for more than ourselves?
Please forgive how disjointed this post is. So much has happened and so much is bouncing around in my head that it’s hard to focus on one topic right now.