There’s something that I need to tell you, that I need to get out, that I need to share. I suppose this post has been a long time coming, several years in fact. Truthfully I think it’s why I started this blog; I’ve danced around it for so long, wanting to address it yet putting it off. I even started a different blog a couple years ago; this one would be anonymous so I could talk about anything. . . I couldn’t do it there either and only wrote one post.
One thing about myself that I guess can be endearing to others but annoying to me is my need for transparency. I won’t claim to be a pure and perfectly open book, but I’m terrible at keeping my own secrets; it drives me nuts! It brings pain to my soul anytime I feel like I’m being fake or dishonest. That my friend, is why there has been so much pain in recent years.
It is incredibly important to me that I have integrity, that I’m the same guy even when no one is around. It’s pretty difficult to follow Jesus, to be a youth minister, to be a man of integrity, to love/respect women, or even to be a decent man, with a secret porn addiction. I’ve told my secret to several people throughout the war so I’m not sure why this seems like such a big deal to write about. I’ve literally felt my heart speed up as I’ve gotten deeper in this post.
Now this is certainly not the end of the subject, oh no. This is only the beginning of the conversation, the one I hope many more become involved in. This is the ice breaker between you and I if there’s a part of you that you keep hidden in the shadows. You probably already know you aren’t the only one, but I’m here to tell you I’m the other one in case you don’t already know another one.
God created you and I for more than shame and shadows; it only takes one step towards the light for one to be heading that direction. Previous steps don’t really matter except to learn from; you simply can’t undo them. Future steps mean little because it’s not in your control, and even if it was that future can’t happen until you take a step In the PRESENT. Even though it has been a while since I’ve looked at porn I suppose I will always be one step away from being right back in that same darkness. That’s the thing, we’re one decision or step away from either direction whether right or wrong. It will be a lifelong fight for us deciding time after time to step towards the light again, but it will be worth it.