I’ve been depressed today; I don’t mean to take anything away from someone who deals with it in a more acute form or on a constant basis. I don’t want you to think I’m throwing the word around carelessly. I understand what I’m feeling is nothing compared to some, but that doesn’t mean it is truly nothing.
It comes around usually on days like today. Easter, this should be my most joy filled day all year as a Jesus follower. This day changed my life, and destiny, forever. It’s the celebration of hope, freedom, love; I should be given strength and courage to fearlessly go forth in my Lord’s name because, as it turns out, death couldn’t hold Him and as such, has no power over me either.
Somehow though, days like this turn into sequestering myself in my hole away from everyone and reliving every wrong choice, bad decision, mistake, sin, every time I’ve been abandoned or rejected; I’ve found it nearly impossible to focus on the unrelenting love of a savior and instead wallow in feeling unloveable, wondering what’s the point here on earth. Every friend has gotten married and moved on or relieved me of my duties after a while; every relationship ends once she finally sees me. Today I feel alone; it’s often the happiest times, the times I’m around young families or just happy families and couples that bring it out.
I’m not quite sure if it’s right or healthy, but I lean into this more than I fight it. I watch sad movies, listen to sad songs, let the pain linger without ushering it away. I lean in because I know this isn’t the end; this only lasts a little while for me, maybe a little naturally but especially because of Who I follow. And I know that isn’t the case for everyone. I lean into the pain so that maybe I can learn from it, and maybe, just maybe, I can lend a useful hand after it.
Your story isn’t finished yet. You’ve got stuff left to do, laughs to have, love to share. You’ve got people around you who need you to hold onto hope so you can share it with them. If depression isn’t a problem for you it likely is for someone you know; they will be needing you too.
Here’s to the Son still being there tomorrow.